Do you osciliate hard between wanting to date someone and shuddering at how many changes you’ll have to make to accomodate someone new?

I’m almost 26 now so I’ve started getting hints & questions about marriage from my relatives. With many of my best friends already hitched or due to marry, somewhere it feels like I’m doing something wrong.

Not that i’m in a hurry at all but I don’t understand how others get the job done – of finding a partner, I mean. One half of me couldn’t care less. The other his human, hence has a body, hence has needs. But there’s a third new part I’m discovering and I think it explains a lot.

I was telling a colleague that I take myself out to new cafes & restaurants every weekend. And she couldn’t understand how I’m able to do it so comfortably.

She asked whether I don’t feel awkward or weird sitting by myself & eating alone while the groups or couples around me laugh at their inside jokes.

The truth is that I love ordering for myself even though I know I’ll have to order less – at least, I feel free enough to experiment with some new dish or feast on weird combinations like Chinese Manchurian & garlic naan, which by the way, tastes heavenly, so don’t come at me.

I love buying tickets to watch niche arthouse movies that i know others may not be able to appreciate. And I love the freedom of not needing to take a cab, instead just walk every inch of the city without needing to fill every step with a word.

All this makes me realise that I’m a highly independent person and so any partner I attach myself to beyond the best friends I have, will need to bring a lot of value to the table to convince me to give up some of this peace I feel in my own company – that is something I’ve taken a long time to develop, accept, appreciate & be proud of because I did find it lame or sad when I started to conciously take myself out more & more.

For my new person to be able to do live up to this expectation, even they will have to carry this experience of being invested in themselves enough to develop the maturity I find to be the baseline.

Of course, this kind-of unrealistic standard may have turned away many short-term openings or opportunities for my case but I’m learning to be okay with that.

In many cases, serious people find themselves to live single through their 20s because no one has enough time to build something meaningul together. Many of us are either going abroad for Master’s or just starting to get some clarity about our own careers, so when the weekend arrives after a packed week, the bed seems like a better partner than your new match on Hinge.

I think love – at least as I see it – is a very lonely act, given that each of us loves in very different ways, so there is also a lot of self-discovery to do with each new lesson/person. While the physical frustration of being by yourself is real & valid, I can tell you that it is worth the wait. You’d rather be like this than frustrated in unwanted company.

Someone asked me if I’m afraid of intimacy & commitment. I disagree because I’m all about making compromises – it’s just that I’ve made them for the wrong people one too many times. So I can’t see myself settling down for someone just for the sake of it.

Not getting braggy because I know I’m still a Work In Progress but it has taken me years to truly believe in the kind of sincerity, genuinity & loyalty I offer, so God forbid I compromise once again for someone who doesn’t even bring half of that energy.

If being on my own all my life is supposed to be my story, I’d still be very grateful for such a destiny because I don’t see the purpose of my life as finding someone and settling down any way – I can offer so much more to the world instead of running away into my own.

Which brings me to the point on the curse of being self-secure & ambitious. Often, you may feel that everyone around you is so disinterested or casual, precisely because they’re also so tired all the time. Most of my friends, no offense, complain too much about their lives, and then there’s me, who somehow still has a big bubble of energy left inside. And this hyperactivity can make people like us feel left out at times, which is neither our fault, nor the crowd’s mistake.

So until someone’s special entry in my film, I’m going on dates without expectations. Flirting & flattering my way into people’s lives, but preventing myself from falling for a rando just because I feel human urges from time to time.

Above all, I’m focusing on elevating myself to a level where more high-quality people of my standard & stature will be able to see me clearly – through my output at work, by sincerely doing everything life throws my way. I’m building my presence on socials & sculpting a new body at the gym. I’m building a happier me with meditation. I’m preparing myself to be worthy of the best so that I can say to them that I totally deserve what I’m asking for or expecting here. It has taken me so long to accept that I do.