You are NOT a “giver.”

I know. It sucks to hear. I thought I was one, too. But there is really no such thing. So this will be a tough conversation but you really need to hear it.

My story began way back in school, which sucked for me. I only remember the nasty bullying, humiliation, self confidence issues & the paralysing anxiety which I still carry. I came out of my shell only a decade later, when I flew abroad for my undergrads & found a platform to showcase my talent for creating things from scratch.

This moulded me into a social media guy professionally, and I also made my own content that got serious reach last year. I’d never experienced acceptance before, so I found immense pleasure in sharing my knowledge & then being appreciated for it – people kept messaging me about how thankful they were for my content, knowledge, resources, guidance, tips and time, given out selflessly for free.

I followed the same routine in my personal life, too – finding real joy in serving & giving.

Whether it was a date or a friendly catchup, I’d always think of the most convenient spot to meet for the other person – and daydream about what thoughtful gift I could carry along. Of course, of course, I never expected anything in return, and in fact, got awkward when I did get something.

For those of us who have grown up with little to nothing, this whole act of giving mindlessly becomes a default and now I finally understand why…

You see, as 2025 started, the tide turned against me, and everything started spiralling down. The work I once raved about on LinkedIn started giving me lesser & lesser job satisfaction. I’d finally hit a “growth plataeu,” which is always a nightmare for fast movers like me.

I took the wrong decisions & made some wrong commitments, which led to me doing one thing or another on the weekends, too. In other words, I was in the middle of stuff for all 7 days.

Nobody forced me into this, let me be very clear. There was a thrill in what I did. Saying & showing everyone that I’m hustling all 365 days of the year had this sinister but sweet “turn-on.”

All this while, I didn’t realise how much I was neglecting my health, rest, fun, and above all, my personal me-time. A lot of things that made me me, stopped. The solo cafe hopping on weekends. Posting a Reel everyday. Going to the gyn to sculpt a better body. It all stopped. I grew lazier & somehow still felt more exhausted, day by day.

Then in the span of a week, four of my friends reached out complaining about how I hadn’t been in touch or hung out with them for quite some time.

They asked if I was okay & expressed how they all felt I’d somehow grown distant or cut off everyone.

I lashed out at one of them, telling her how everything was a mess, my body had started breaking down once again, etc. so the last thing I needed was my own people accusing me of not doing enough.

I had started hearing that phrase all around me – at work, too. No matter how much time, love & effort I put into my team as a manager, my juniors also felt left out, left behind or left alone.

I intuitively started listing the things I HAD done for all of these folks and felt confused at why they wouldn’t be grateful for it. But it brought me face to face with a deeper, extremely difficult question.

I clearly needed help. So why couldn’t I ask for it? Why couldn’t I get it? When a friend questioned me on this, I told them everyone deals with stress and challenges in their own way.

My way has always been self-isolation. I take a step back, recharge, and come back stronger. I don’t know how to explain it in words but it’s not ego or pride that stops me from venting or ranting to someone about my problems and anxieties – I just don’t see the point or value of it for me, personally.

I find more comfort in just knowing my people are there outside my room, in case I need them but otherwise they trust my strength, resolve and inner will to get my shit together alone – which is my life’s biggest satisfaction.

I have grown up with this mindset but if so many people were pointing it out, I felt it’s necessary to take another look at the mirror. In doing so, I had to confront the possibility that I could be wrong.

I could be wrong – It’s a very scary thing to say. But once I said it, I found peace in the clarity that hit me like a flash.

You see, I’m lucky to have the pookiest, softest parents in the world. They are fierce when protecting me, mind you, but otherwise they are innocent toddlers.

I have seen them make tonnes of compromises, face conflicts with a smile, stay quiet in situations I would’ve lost my shit, speak softly to everyone, and do anything to preserve relationships.

I grew up in this world of acceptance and deep empathy. And it molded me into being the one who constantly gives.

Which is great, alright, but I took it to the extremes and made the dangerous assumption that giving is the only thing that requires effort. So it must be easy & fun receiving. And anyone on the latter side can’t have a reason to complain.

But when it was my turn to receive, I couldn’t take my hand forward. When my friend asked me why I hesitated to call, I said she wouldn’t understand. That no one would understand.

But had I put in the effort to ever express what I needed? Rarely. Had I put in the labour and time to create a safe corner for MY OWN SELF to exist in the safe spaces I was so proudly creating for others? Not really. In the home I was opening to the entire world, did I create any boundaries for me to continue to live in it? Not at all. It made me realise that learning to ask for help, learning to receive, and learning to be supported also takes a lot of effort, courage & strength.

The relationships that enrich you the most are not the ones that you keep giving in, but the ones where you find the courage in to ask to be understood, heard and loved. You cannot expect people to show their gratefulness in languages you speak in – you have to teach them, and for it, you have the accept an intimate truth.

Which is that you also deserve to be loved and treated well. More importantly, you need to be treated well to continue existing happilly. And this is exactly what scares all self-diagnosed givers.

I confess that labelling myself as a “giver” has been my coping mechanism for running away from the shame of admitting that I, too, have needs.

I couldn’t even admit it to myself because I’d grown so used to managing life alone, this new concept made me feel weaker, exposed, very vulnerable. And it forced me to accept the mind-numbing possibility of rejection.

As I sat down with these thoughts, I put in my resignation paper at work, quit the job, paused my projects, and slowed down everything. It felt very bittersweet leaving the office after a 3-year climb to the top. This was a punch in the gut and felt like a step back at first – after all the hard work I’d put in 2024, I thought 2025 would be wilder, faster, more dashing.

But I should know more than anyone that life humbles you in funny ways – it won’t let you go ahead without teaching you the lessons you must learn to be worthy of the next level of growth.

And I learned my lesson the hard way – I am not Superman. Or Batman. Or a liberated saint. I’m a normal kid with limits and flaws. I have a limited store of energy, interest and loyalty to give.

Which brings me to the harshest yet most important reality check I’ve had to give myself in my entire freaking life.

I’m finding peace in realising that no matter how much effort I put in for others, I will inevitably disappoint my loved ones.

I will never be able to keep everyone happy at the same time. And someone will always feel bad. This is not in my control. And that’s OK. It does not make me any less of a boyfriend, friend, brother, son, colleague or manager. It doesn’t make me less worthy of love.

Because there are no givers & takers. There are just people who are better or worse and understanding & striking the balance. That takes practice and time, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there yet.

I’m still in recovery right now and I’m sure I’ll be back stronger from this like I always do – comebacks are my speciality. Don’t worry, the new Manik is still kind. But he is careful & slower when it comes to expending his energy.

The new Manik still loves fighting for what he believes in. But he is wiser now, and doesn’t hesitate to call his troops to join in & help him out.

The new Manik lets people come to him, and doesn’t always feel obligated to meet midway, or travel far to go near them.

The new Manik is not a giver. He’s a builder – he sees value in collective wisdom, in collaborating, asking, seeking opinions, calling in favours, being in debt to others. Actually, he doesn’t see it as being in debt. He is ok with just asking for help as a human who survives on help.

If he can return the favour, good, but if not, he doesn’t obsessively keep a count. All said & done, the new Manik, an ex- “one-man-army” kinda guy is now finding the joy, strength and benefit in forming a tribe and team around him.

Watch out for him. Watch out for us.