You will not see me admit this very often.
But I intertwine with the plants that I water way too quickly & intensely.
And I keep pouring my heart out every day.
Until one day I miss it because of work & it looks like I’ve stopped caring.
Or until one day I water too much & wilt you away.
I don’t know why this happens. The over-loving. The over-caring. The attachment. The infinite giving and only giving but hesitating when I’m taking or asking for something I know I deserve.
Immediately trusting everyone.
Seeing good in everyone.
Believing that people are usually without an agenda when that’s far from the case.
It hurts that this is kinda my mistake, a weakness I must learn to overcome.
It hurts that no matter how much I try to hide it, the water flows out eventually, and I lose myself in the devotion of my plants.
I try really hard to make everyone think that I can do just fine without a garden.
But anyone who’s given me the privilege of nurturing them – of letting my hands become soiled in the mess of their flaws, so that I can gently nuzzle the tender roots of their soul, and make them see how I see them – they will tell you that I’m like taking in a long deep breath, one molecule too much.
I’m like taking in a long deep breath – comforting and relaxing at first but uneasy towards the end because of the weight it thrusts upon your lungs.
If you’ve been my friend, you will know that I love too fiercely. If you’ve been my boss or colleague, you will agree that I work like an absolute maniac.
That is just because I take pride in bringing my heart to every meal I have to make. I have no filters oh God. And no matter how much I try to hide my authenticity to protect myself, it eventually shines through because most people either couldn’t bother less or they are more talented at protecting their true feelings.
In the process of opening up too much too fast, even after a million warnings & hard lessons on not to do so, I do end up cutting & bleeding myself on the very thing I’m trying to cook well.
I feel a thousand emotions when I’m with you & every time we’re together they’re so much that I just want to exist together. I like spending alone time with people, if that makes any sense. I mean I just like knowing and listening to them. I don’t need to watch a movie or even have a two-way conversation to enjoy them. I have this habit of squeezing value out of every second we’re together.
Small talk and pointless conversations or activities make me jittery. I would rather work in silence with you. Like the day I came over during work hours and we both spent the whole time on our own calls & assignments. The silence has never unsettled me because all that matters is me sharing the same space with my subjects.
Which is what scares me. It scares me that I told you not to think too hard about the future but part of me is already building it and you’ll leave like everyone else. Not deliberately maybe but as a consequence of life happening.
Life happens. People get busy. People grow apart. We might settle in different countries, I know we both will. I also hope we’ll still keep in touch after it. But the distance, I don’t know. I’m scared I will miss you too much and I don’t like being that vulnerable.
So I am going to stop trying to water you.
What I mean is that I will stop trying to hold myself responsible for your happiness or your growth.
Wild plants in the jungle grow just fine through the seasons. When they get rain. When they get sunlight. When it’s freezing cold.
Plants survive. People survive.
They don’t need a gardener.
But what they need is space to grow in all directions. What they need is to be extended.
And so I will be your hummingbird. Sprinkling everything you teach me & make me feel in all directions. Taking the love we experience together as packets of pollen to grow a more beautiful world.
I will make my home in you but hold neither of us down because I know how much I love to fly and how much you love to stand tall.
I will go from tree to tree, plant to plant and make a forest out of our garden. Telling everyone about you. And telling you about everyone.
I will let us travel whenever and wherever we need to, knowing that I will feel your love through the root of a root of a root, in some form or the other, because I like to believe that every soul is spread across the universe. And I will try to do what I asked you to do – to enjoy this moment we have as it is, as it exists.
See I, and you will not see me admit this often and so easily, I intertwine with the plants that I water way too quickly and intensely.
Because I have come to accept that it’s not just them who need me, but me who needs the garden, too.
Loving is simply my breathing. Loving people gives me meaning. I find strength in service.
After all the mishaps, I’ve been trying so hard NOT to take that long deep breath I love. I’ve been trying to cautiously control how much I inhale and exhale.
But you showed me how much I actually missed caring for someone else. You taught me that healthy relationships aren’t about the control of give & take. They’re just about finding the right people where it won’t matter.
Finding the people who would let you show love your way, and people who you’d respect as they love you in theirs.
So let me show you the thousand ways in which I do, and let me experience all of yours.